Holding you up as you break
by luxlafferty23
Summary: How much can Elena take before she breaks and will the Salvatore brothers be there through it all?   Will their love for her stay on even if she changes completly?  Stefan/Elena Damon/Elena Damon/Stefan
1. Chapter 1 My friend, one crack

Chapter One: My friend, one crack

**This is my new fanfic, on one of my all time favourite shows. It is in Elena's pov and it is set during season three (around the middle probably) except Damon never got bitten so Stefan never joined Klaus and he is still with Elena. Damon never admitted his feelings in season 2 (when he "killed" Jeremy) either but both of the Salvatore brothers love her very much. I love Damon and this will show his feelings for Elena but I also love Stelena so this has a bit of both of them really. I am going to change a lot of things though so be warned haha I really hope you like it and there is a big twist at the end. **

I feel numb.

Everyone around me is crying, I suppose I should be grieving too but I can't feel it. This is the second funeral I have been to since my parent's death, Jenna's was first.

I cried at hers. Why aren't I crying now? Has death become so normal to me? It's not that I'm not in pain, I wish more then anything that Caroline was still alive, she was one of my best friends and as I stand here I realise I never told her that.

Bonnie is a wreck, I want to hug her or tell her it will be ok but my throat is dry and my body is stiff.

I try to think of anything else, but my thoughts keep drifting back to the day she died. She was so happy, she always was. Tyler had finally said those three little words, they had been dating for months and Caroline was worried he didn't feel the same way. She was talking like a maniac, telling me every little detail. The words just kept rolling out of her mouth and I could tell she was happy.

I wasn't really listening, now I wish I had. Instead I was thinking about what Stefan had told me, that Klaus would stop at nothing to kill me. The idea was still hard to grasp, that I was so important. Slowly I playback Caroline's last words to me, they were said quickly and meaninglessly but standing here they mean more to me then anything else _"Got to go, love ya."_ That was the last time I ever heard my best friend speak and I was barely listening.

Stefan was right, Klaus would stop at nothing to kill me, including torturing and murdering one of my best friends. I hate him. More to the point I hate myself, I did this. If it wasn't for me, Caroline would never have been turned and wouldn't have been involved. She wouldn't have been in agony while she died and she would be happy, right now.

I look around; my eyes pass Bonnie and go towards Caroline's parents. Her father's face is cold and I question why he bothered to come. He brought her close enough to death once before, now he stands there and acts like he cares. It occurs to me that the lack of tears on my face may be making me look just as heartless as her father. Caroline's mother is in tears, but she seems to be trying to control herself and I notice that Mr Forbes' arm is wrapped lightly around her waist, as though to comfort her.

Mrs Lockwood is here, I was surprised to see her turn up, Tyler's death shook her and I feel as though she blames Caroline slightly.

I guess I indirectly killed Tyler too, he couldn't bear life without Caroline and so he ended it. They would be together now if I wasn't here. Stefan and Damon are standing side by side, they are further back and they both have the same cold expression. I know Stefan was upset by Caroline's death, they had gotten closer when she turned and I almost envy how he can grieve, feel her death. I still expect her to come round the corner and tell me to stop looking so serious.

Damon's reaction was less expected, he didn't seem to care when I told him, but later I heard him trashing his room and screaming some words I couldn't make out. Stefan said he was probably feeling guilty, I'm not so sure.

Jeremy is standing next to Bonnie, his eyes are watered but he too refuses to cry. Just as I glance at my brother, a strange feeling washes over me. I remember when I was eight and Caroline was showing me a new doll she had gotten. There is nothing special about this memory, but the pain which now engulfs me is so unbearable I have to quickly leave the room. Stefan's eyes follow me as I rush out and I can sense he is behind me as I run outside. I keep running until my side burns, then I lean against a tree and sob. I can feel the tears falling against my cheek but I don't concentrate on them, instead I focus on the pain in my stomach. The idea that I will never see Caroline again has grabbed hold of me and I realise I am screaming out. It takes me a while to take in what I am saying as my tears muffle my voice.

Then I hear them.

The words which are going around in my head.

I am screaming them over and over.

"_No, please God no." _

These words keep on spinning round, filling me up with anger. I feel less human somehow, as though all the death that I have caused has taken apart of my soul, apart of me.

Stefan is saying something to comfort me, I only now realise he is here. His voice is crisp but I don't pay much attention to his words, instead I think about Caroline.

The words continue to come out of my mouth and eventually I look up at the boy I love and ask him the one thing I know he can't do _"Please make her come back."_

His eyes look at me and I can tell his heart is breaking _"I'm sorry."_ He whispers.

I didn't know it then but Damon was watching me, he was trying to stop himself from crying. It's odd how you can be so oblivious to someone's love.

_So I killed of one of my favourite characters in the first chapter, that proves how different this fic is going to be haha if Caroline actually dies I will go on protest! Also my favourite couples on the show are Stefan&Elena Damon&Katherine Caroline&Tyler and Jeremy&Anna. But there will be more Damon&Elena (you will see why later) _


	2. Chapter 2 I hold you as I weep

Chapter two: I hold you as I weep

**Please comment on this fic, it means the world and it makes me want to write more. Oh and I know that I change between writing in the past tense and the present but I do that on purpose, you will hopefully understand when the "main bit" of the story happens (no spoilers haha). You should be able to tell when Elena is looking back on it all and when she is first experiencing it. Sorry if it's confusing :) I really hope you like this chapter. **

Jeremy was the one who noticed first, he would only look at me and say _"you ok?"_ or _"How you holding up?"_ But I could see the concern on his face. Stefan told me that I had been through a lot, it was normal to seem distant or depressed.

I wasn't just depressed. I was angry. People lie to you all the time; they tell you everything is going to be ok. It's not going to be ok, none of it is. When I look back on everything, I try to find the day where it all changed, Stefan continues to believe it was just all the little things that built up. But the day that ruined me, that really ruined me….that day made something inside of me snap.

Bonnie left a few months after Caroline died, her Mom needed to move due to work. I miss her, but that doesn't change anything. I miss my parents, I miss Jenna, I miss Caroline. It doesn't matter.

I didn't notice Damon walk in; I was too busy looking for my phone, but as I stare at him I can tell he wants to talk about something important, he seems sad.

"_There is something going on between the two of us and you know it." _The words hit me hard but they don't shock me as much as I expect them too.

Deep down I think I always knew Damon loved me, but staring up at him I can feel it, really feel his love. _"-and you're lying to me and you're lying to Stefan but most of all you're lying to yourself."_ I don't know how to react, I care about him but I love Stefan. I want to tell him that but he pulls me in before I can.

His lips touch mine and I try to push him away _"Damon what's wrong with you?" _

Damon's voice continues to mesmerise me and for a split second I wonder if it is possible to love two people, I do love Stefan, with all my heart and if I am ever going to marry someone then it will be him. Still I can't help but wonder.

"_I care about you, I do but I love Stefan it's always going to be Stefan." _

That one line can sum up the rest of my life, through it all I cared about Damon, but it was always Stefan.

The pain in his eyes penetrate me, I am hurting him, by not loving him I am hurting him. He has been drinking; I can smell his breath against me. It's warm and he stinks of alcohol. Part of me wants to scream, tell both of them I'm not worth it! But I must be, if so many people die so I can fucking live then I must be. I don't even notice Jeremy walk in, he is being the protective brother and I love him for that but I can't deal with explaining it all now. _"It's ok, Jeremy." _

"_No it's not ok Elena; he wants to be a vampire." _Damon spits, rushing over to my brother and grabbing his neck. NO NO NO NO NO. Please don't bring Jeremy in to this, please don't do this Damon. My mind begs me to scream at him but my voice is on mute. _"You want to shut out the pain, its easy you just snap." _

Crack.

Jeremy's body falls lifeless to the ground.

"_NO." _My voice carries through as I fall down next to him, holding up his head and cradling him as though he is sleeping.

It hurts, the pain is pushing against me, it hurts so much. I close my eyes and pray it is all a dream, a sick nightmare. Tears fill my eyes as Damon stares down at me; I look at him, right at him.

Then he leaves.

The rest goes in a blur. I cry over Jeremy, search his hand and hoping to God he had kept on his ring.  
>He hadn't.<p>

I have only just realised Stefan is staring down at me, the one Salvatore brother who would never ever do this. He wouldn't hurt me like this.

That's when I realise that I may love Damon, but I hate him. I hate him.

"_I hate him, Stefan." _I sob as the boy I truly love just whispers _"I know."_

_So this was yet again hard to write, I seem to be killing of my favourite characters. Caroline and now Jeremy! There is a reason though, I am taking away the people Elena care's most about, apart from the Salvatore boys haha _


	3. Chapter 3 My Darkest Nightmare

Chapter Three: In my darkest nightmare, you are there

**This is quite a Delena chapter; I was in a Damon/Elena mood haha ;) Stefan/Elena are still end game for me (although possibly not in this fic) but I like to write about both couples, they are both epic in their own way. Also just because Elena hates Damon right now doesn't mean she won't still love him (I am trying not to give too much away) lots more twists to come so please keep reading and reviewing, they make me update faster haha **

My whole body is cold, my vision is blurred and my hearing is muffled. I'm not human anymore, not the way I'm meant to be. I don't feel. I should be able to feel.

Around me people are crying, Bonnie is behind me. She is sobbing and I realise that she may have loved him. It doesn't matter now, he's dead. Maybe its better that way, he never loved her anyway, he cared for her but he didn't love her. He loved Anna.

Now he can be with her.

I have barely said two words to Bonnie in the whole of her visit, she's only here for the funeral but still…..it's different. Almost as though we are strangers.

I guess I am.

I don't even know myself anymore.

Damon didn't come, not that I would expect him too. Not after he came to apologise for murdering my little brother. I just kept throwing things at him and screaming.

I could see the pain in his eyes when I told him.

When I said I hated him.

But he could never feel the pain I feel, the hole I have now Jeremy is gone.

Some days I think it's some sick mistake, I slam my eyes shut and wait for it to be fixed, wait for Jeremy to walk into the kitchen and grab a drink as though nothing has happened.  
>It's different this time, when my parents died it broke me but I still felt, normal. When Jenna died I sobbed for months, cried myself to sleep and blamed myself but I was still the same girl. Even when Caroline died, every day I would beg who ever was up there, who ever was listening to bring her back to me. I would imagine she wasn't dead for days, pretend everything was normal, but despite all that deep down I was still Elena Gilbert.<p>

Not now.

I am not the same person anymore.

Stefan thinks it is because I am grieving, that I will come back to normal, become the girl he loves again.

I'm not that girl, not without Jeremy.

When Jeremy died, so did I.

When Damon killed him he also killed me.

Since Jeremy's death I have had a dream, the same dream every single night.

I am standing in Mystic falls, it is night but no one else is around, the whole town is empty. Except for the person standing opposite me, he is a few feet away and his dark twisted smile turns my stomach. Damon's mouth opens slowly and I always know what he is going to say _"Do you love me Elena?" _the question is alone innocent, but his malicious voice cuts through me, it is as though he knows what is coming.

Every time I want to change my answer but I never do _"I care about you, I do. But I love Stefan it's always going to be Stefan." _The words float out of me and before I can say anything else Damon's face contorts to a wide grin. All of a sudden Jeremy is in front of us, I can't reach him even though I want to. My body is paralyzed as though I can't move a muscle. Damon clicks his fingers and Jeremy falls to the ground. The whole dream is crystal clear up to that point, once Jeremy falls every thing blends together, Stefan and Damon's face's become one and I can hear Jeremy calling for me, desperately screaming for help and Damon's voice is growing louder and louder _"I'm so sorry Elena, I love you Elena, I never meant to hurt you, I wish I could take it back, I want to take it back, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." _It grows louder and louder as Stefan's voice floats in rhythm _"I will always protect you Elena, you are my destiny, I love you Elena, I love you." _Every word overlaps each other, growing faster and faster until I scream _"I hate him, Stefan." _

Then I wake up.

Every night the same dream, not one thing changes. Every single night.

I haven't told anybody that and as Stefan's hand squeezes mine I realise I haven't even told Stefan.

I look around the darkened church one more time and remember Jeremy standing their when Caroline was killed. How was it that Damon managed to mourn the girl he abused for months but not my little brother?

Then an awful thought flashes over me, what about if he is. The idea of him standing their crying like the night Caroline died hurts me more then the cold face I remember in my dream, because if he is mourning, if he regrets what he did then he is still my Damon, then he still has his humanity and he is still the boy I care so much about.

I push that idea out of my mind, I have Stefan now, all I need is Stefan. He is the one person I can count on, the one person I still love, the one I will always love.

The funeral goes by in a blur and everyone comes up to me to give me there "condolences" as though they are helping my pain. I feel a certain defeat with every handshake and _"I'm so sorry for your loss"._

_My loss?_ I want to scream _my fucking loss! _My brother wasn't some old book I've misplaced and I can buy a new one! He was _my_ brother, _my_ only family left and _my_ responsibility. Instead however I just nod and say _"thank you" _as though they have done something of use.

When Bonnie comes up she is trying to stifle her tears and I know it strikes her as odd that I am not sobbing my heart out. "_Elena, I'm so sorry. I wish I could have done something, he loved you so much."_

For some reason some hatred comes over me and I smile and say _"Damon loves me, love doesn't mean anything." _

Bonnie recoils in surprise, at first I think she is going to say something but then she realises we aren't close enough anymore and so stops herself, instead replacing her words with a nod and walking out of the church.

Matt says something about loosing Vicky and how it gets easier and Alaric tells me that if I need anything he will always be there for me.

When we finally get back to the house, I beg Stefan to leave me alone for the night. I take off my dress, grab one of Jeremy's jumpers and curl up on his bed.

Then I cry myself to sleep.

_So what do you think? Please tell me because your comments mean so much! I am so gutted that I have killed some of my favourite characters already but it's honestly important for the storyline. Also I can not stress enough how Damon/Elena and Stefan/Elena this story is, so if you love either couple or both then please keep reading! _


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